To Long To Heal
Checking out at the grocery store, the checkout clerk ask, “What year were you born?” When I tell her, she marvels at how great I look for my age and continues to throw complements my way. She ends with “Keep doing what you’re doing. You look great!” Rather than basking in the glow of complements, right away my head goes to thinking “It’s because I don’t have a leech sucking every last drop from me anymore. That will keep you looking young!”
Why do I go there with my thoughts? Why do I keep looking at old pictures, notes and texts trying to figure out why I didn’t clue in sooner? Why do I keep trying to figure it all out when it’s no longer a part of my life.
You think this stuff would stop haunting me. I mean it’s been 4 years now since the mask was dropped. I recognize my life is more complete, more fulfilling, all around better now without the parasite. Yet I keep reading books about sociopaths trying to make sense of what happened. At this stage, I kinda know what happened, the patterns I missed, my need to passively keep the peace and give all of myself at the expense of my own sanity.
I just finished a book from a woman who married and had a child with a sociopath. Her story was so close to mine that I found myself saying “YEP!” aloud with every realization the woman made about her husband. Her time invested was shorter than mine but just as damaging, especially since things started mis-aligning not long after her daughter was born. I started my own dialogue during the reading of her story…things like “She’s different because she is so young and has her parents to fall back on” or “Wow…my husband ALSO told me that he ‘feels nothing’ and started down the path of a physical ailment that was out of his hands.” I really thought at this point that I could read this book without stepping right back into my experience, but I found myself feeling like everything just happened to me all over again. I guess that’s how this trauma circle works.
So many people have no idea what lasting impacts emotional abuse can have on a person. A friend of mine who gets it suggested that I stop bringing this stuff to the surface by pulling up old notes and reliving it all. I think this is wise. However, another part of me fears that I fall into old habits of ‘ignoring my emotions’ when I have an urge to revisit something. If I don’t “go there”, will I delay the healing process? Or am I making it worse by bringing it back to surface instead of burying it. Have I dealt with it enough to move on? I will say I have extreme moments of joy and love with those around me, and I know I have made huge strides in becoming myself again….maybe even better than I was before. Still….it would be nice if this experience would stop haunting me.
Who knows…maybe I’m supposed to use it to help others, show them they are not alone. When you shockingly discover that the man you are with is actually a lying, cheating, remorseless shell with no soul….and you don’t know what you did to deserve the abuse he has thrown you for years…..it’s important to know that YOU are not the reason for this. His excuses, blame shifting and gas lighting are just ways to lift himself higher than you. You DON’T deserve this….and you need to escape. As hard as it is, there is no ‘second chance’ for a person like this. He isn’t like you and I, he can’t have true emotions like us so he tries to steal ours. He will suck every last spark of love and joy from you. Please, as hard as it may seem now – escape him. You are worth saving!