If you are as old as me, you remember the AOL chat scene from the late 90s. Long before I was sucked into the world of a narcassist, long before responsibilities of being a parent to a highly sensitive child…I was a college student exploring the world wide web. In the early 90s, before snapchat, instagram and tiktok…there was this thing called AOL. For the first time in history, you could spend 3-4 minutes dialing into this wonderful world called ‘AOL’….where you could email and even directly CHAT with people across the state, the nation and even the WORLD…for the first time! It was extra special…and we all couldn’t get enough of this new way to connect with people just like us! We found ourselves in ‘chat rooms’ where we would search for people with similar interests and backgrounds to chat with. Keep in mind, this was before smart phones and text messaging….this was revolutionary!

My chat room of choice was a local chatroom. My intention was to connect with people like me. I wasn’t alone and sadly always seem to have someone pulling the ‘puppet strings’ of my life, but that is another story all together. For now, what’s important to note is that I met someone in one of those chat rooms that is still in my thoughts…even today.

We spoke often online and even had the opportunity to meet in person. There was an instant connection when we met, but the timing just wasn’t right. In fact, despite chatting online, and later through texts and emails….the time was NEVER right. Years past and our lives never aligned. Despite the longing and missed chances to connect, I still sit here today wondering what could’ve been. If only I had done something different or been something ‘more’…..been bolder or stronger…would it have come to be?

I guess I will always wonder what could have been…..with the one who got away.

I recently stumbled upon an article online that mentions 10 common mistakes we make when deciding to go ‘no contact’ with a narcissist. There are a lot of trendy articles out on the internet today that list ‘no contact’ as a full proof way of “getting your X back”. This is NOT what I’m talking about here. This form of ‘no contact’ is when you have reached the point where the fog of your relationship is so thick, that you know you need to do SOMETHING to reach clarity again. Countless psychiatrists and past victims like me will tell you that there is only ONE way to get back to yourself again after a narcissist has sucked you into his web. The ONLY way to rid the parasite is to completely cut them from your life. That means no texts, no phone calls or meet ups, and even no ‘silent’ social media following. Although this seems on the surface to be easy, it is actually really difficult given the way us victims have been conditioned to ‘NEED’ this person in our life. Sometimes even the obsession of trying to figure out what happened to us is enough to keep us coming back for more.

It’s not uncommon, and we shouldn’t beat ourselves us when we fall. In fact, I read somewhere that it usually takes an abused person 7 attempts before they finally leave for good. This can be discouraging, but also highlights the fact that this is VERY DIFFICULT! This is an addiction, and addictions take a great deal of time and determination to recover from.

Despite this, I want to see each person who has gone through this to know what they are stepping into. Hopefully, with knowledge there is power and confidence….confidence to beat the odds and succeed in less time than the average person.

To help those who may be going through this now, I thought I would share the article I read about mistakes made during ‘no contact’, then list how I did on each one of these. (spoiler alert – I struggled with each step, some more than others).

The article is located here: https://toxicties.com/no-contact-narcissist-mistakes/

And now for the list and how I responded to each:

1. Underestimating the Narcissist – I didn’t even know what a narcissist was when I went through this. I’d heard the word thrown around to describe difficult people, but I was so clueless when it came to what I was dealing with in my own relationship. So, yes…this one was high on the list when it was time for me to be devalued. I had no IDEA that a human could be so manipulative, and that everything I experienced in my relationship for the last 10 years was actually just ‘pretend’.
2. Breaking no contact to reinforce no contact – I will admit that this one got me a few times. I had to be reminded of this by my sister on more than one occasion. She would say, “He’s trying to bait you. Just don’t respond!” This is the only way I got through this phase. Of course, with a custody dispute and a small child in the mix, this one becomes even MORE difficult. Afterall, there are drop off and pick ups that need to be worked out…and those are NEVER easy with a narcissist. If they are not purposely being late or changing plans to make your life a living Hell, then they will torture your child until she begs to come home early. As long as they have visitation, you are legally required to remain in contact. Even so, you do NOT need to stick around at drop off while they tell you how depressed they are without you, or when they lean on your open window to chat about old times while your daughter buckles herself into the back of your car. As cold as it seems, it’s ok to drive away. You don’t owe them your time!
3. Needing closure – This one was especially hard for me as well. Somehow I wanted proof of cheating, to know that I wasn’t crazy and imagining things like he said I was. I wanted to know that I wasn’t crazy, and felt he owed it to me to own up for all that he did to me. As hard as it is, we have to realize that this person is ‘not like us’. He can’t feel remorse and will NEVER sincerely admit or apologize for all that he has done. It may take years, but we have to one day accept that we will never receive closure from this person, and that has to be ok.
4. Falling for the “flying monkeys” – I was lucky to not have to many mutual friends with him to let this one cause to much damage. Since we had moved somewhere new a few years before, we didn’t have a long history of mutual friends that he could use to turn against me. Not that he didn’t try, of course. One Sunday afternoon, I got a Facebook message from an old friend who I hadn’t talked to in years. This was a friend from the midwest who I knew BEFORE Dee. My friend worked at the local radio station that my brother-in-law worked at so we were always running into each other at fun events around town. He moved to FL years before we did, and had established a name for himself on the radio in his new town. Being true to my family and avoiding jealous outbursts, I decide it best not to reach out to my radio friend when we moved to ‘keep the peace at home’. However, after the break up, Dee decided on a Saturday night pub crawl to approach my friend and drop my name in an attempt to ‘hang out’ with someone cool…and likely to drag my name through the mud. The FB message I got simply read “It seems I met your husband lastnight…” I will never know what was said about me, but I did notice a picture on Dee’s FB page the next day saying “Hangin’ with my bud Deuce”. This is mild compared to how abusers will use others to get at you. Also known as flying monkeys, narcissists love to use your inner circle to convince you that you should go back, break no contact, and stop being selfish. Parents, siblings and long life friends can be used as pawns to show you just how wrong you are for breaking contact. Please don’t listen to them!
5. Spying on social media – This one lingered on longer than the rest for me. Even though I was careful to block myself and keep myself private, his site was wide open and full of posts about ‘toxic relationships’ and how glad he was to escape. He also flaunted his ‘friendship’ with our neighbor and suddenly began posting political posts and on topics that he used to tell me he despised. I was addicted to this circus sideshow for quite awhile, trying to fathom how this could be the same person I shared my life with for so many years. In moments of weakness, I would even pull up the page from the woman he cheated with…or even the new girlfriend who he had moved in with. I justified that I wanted to see if they were posting about my daughter, but really it was not ok that I looked her up at all. All of that only caused me to hurt worse….and it was really only me it was hurting. I would see that old friends of mine were still on his social media as ‘friends’ and it would eat me up inside. Finally, I decided as a New Year’s resolution, I would write all my friends and tell them that I was cutting social media ties. If they wanted to be online friends with him, then they could not with me. It was the final step I took to cut off the ‘social media tie’ for good.
6. Believing he’s changed – This kept me in the relationship in the early stages…and made 4 years of abuse turn into 10. Deep down, I probably knew who he was back then…incapable of loving or giving anything of himself to me or his daughter…completely selfish and uncaring, condescending and hateful. Yet, I kept trying to believe he would be what he pretended to be in the beginning. By the time I caught him cheating, I still wanted to believe he cared. Even though I knew things were different, I kept trying to believe that he at least loved our daughter, even if he didn’t love me. This took a few months and a couple of ‘extremely obvious’ indiscretions before it finally sank in. We have to remember that we aren’t stupid…they are just masters at manipulation and they know how to make us keep believing the best in them….even if it was never really there to begin with.
7. Obsessively analyzing what happened – So guilty of this! I mean, did he really cheat? He said he didn’t, so am I making this up? No…I saw the text…he said he loved her. I caught him sneaking out of her house…of course he cheated! It was thoughts like this that kept me up night after night. He wasn’t suffering. I was! He knew the truth and reveled in the fact that I did not. While he sadistically reveled in his actions, I played situations over and over…looking for a new clue to the puzzle. What I didn’t realize for years is that there IS no answer. Playing situations over and over and analyzing details was hurting ME and no one else. Until I could give it up and move on, no amount of rehashing or questioning him or mentally reliving everything was going to save me from the pain.
8. Not having a support system – I was very blessed in this area. Narcissists know how to isolate us from our family and friends until they are the only one we have. However, there is one person he could never separate me from…my sister. And she saved me. She was the outside voice of reason, the person who came and boldly stood up for me…who was there when he came to get his stuff….who ALWAYS answered my call at any hour of the day when I needed strength. I got through this much quicker because of her. I can only hope to be that for someone else one day. It truly is a lifesaver!
9. Empathizing with him – We fall in this trap very easily with narcissists. After all, the reason they chose us is for our ability to empathize…something they are not capable of doing themselves. However, they will make sure to give us an elaborate story about how they need rescuing. This was used on me over and over in our relationship, so of course it was a tactic that was tried during no contact. Even near the end, I was still paying for his therapy because he just “couldn’t feel anything anymore”. He had cheated on me and kept rubbing her in my face, yet I paid for his therapy? What was I thinking? It’s amazing how irrational we can be when living through years of emotional abuse.
10. Defending yourself – Although I felt I needed to do this constantly, luckily I’m a private person who doesn’t feel the need to confront people. Dee would spend hours talking to the ladies at the office, our daughter’s counselor, parents of kids in our daughters class, our neighbors and past friends about the crazy things I did to him. He would even spend each visitation telling our daughter what awful things I did to him (most complete lies). I knew this because each night at pickup, she would either be mad at me or tell me about the awful things her dad had told her and others about me. I’m sure she ‘protected’ me from a lot of the things he said about me. At times, I felt the need to defend myself to her…but learned pretty quick that it’s best to let my actions speak louder than words.

If you are going through no contact or are thinking of trying no contact, I’m sure you know by now that it is not easy. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes, and we aren’t dealing with the average person here. This is a MASTER manipulator who has spent a long time ‘studying’ you and all your weaknesses. They know how to lure you in and will most definitely try to hoover you right back into the relationship. Your strength is very offensive to them…and they will do everything in their power to knock you down. PLEASE…stay strong…don’t let them defeat you.

Checking out at the grocery store, the checkout clerk ask, “What year were you born?” When I tell her, she marvels at how great I look for my age and continues to throw complements my way. She ends with “Keep doing what you’re doing. You look great!” Rather than basking in the glow of complements, right away my head goes to thinking “It’s because I don’t have a leech sucking every last drop from me anymore. That will keep you looking young!”

Why do I go there with my thoughts? Why do I keep looking at old pictures, notes and texts trying to figure out why I didn’t clue in sooner? Why do I keep trying to figure it all out when it’s no longer a part of my life.

You think this stuff would stop haunting me. I mean it’s been 4 years now since the mask was dropped. I recognize my life is more complete, more fulfilling, all around better now without the parasite. Yet I keep reading books about sociopaths trying to make sense of what happened. At this stage, I kinda know what happened, the patterns I missed, my need to passively keep the peace and give all of myself at the expense of my own sanity.

I just finished a book from a woman who married and had a child with a sociopath. Her story was so close to mine that I found myself saying “YEP!” aloud with every realization the woman made about her husband. Her time invested was shorter than mine but just as damaging, especially since things started mis-aligning not long after her daughter was born. I started my own dialogue during the reading of her story…things like “She’s different because she is so young and has her parents to fall back on” or “Wow…my husband ALSO told me that he ‘feels nothing’ and started down the path of a physical ailment that was out of his hands.” I really thought at this point that I could read this book without stepping right back into my experience, but I found myself feeling like everything just happened to me all over again. I guess that’s how this trauma circle works.

So many people have no idea what lasting impacts emotional abuse can have on a person. A friend of mine who gets it suggested that I stop bringing this stuff to the surface by pulling up old notes and reliving it all. I think this is wise. However, another part of me fears that I fall into old habits of ‘ignoring my emotions’ when I have an urge to revisit something. If I don’t “go there”, will I delay the healing process? Or am I making it worse by bringing it back to surface instead of burying it. Have I dealt with it enough to move on? I will say I have extreme moments of joy and love with those around me, and I know I have made huge strides in becoming myself again….maybe even better than I was before. Still….it would be nice if this experience would stop haunting me.

Who knows…maybe I’m supposed to use it to help others, show them they are not alone. When you shockingly discover that the man you are with is actually a lying, cheating, remorseless shell with no soul….and you don’t know what you did to deserve the abuse he has thrown you for years…..it’s important to know that YOU are not the reason for this. His excuses, blame shifting and gas lighting are just ways to lift himself higher than you. You DON’T deserve this….and you need to escape. As hard as it is, there is no ‘second chance’ for a person like this. He isn’t like you and I, he can’t have true emotions like us so he tries to steal ours. He will suck every last spark of love and joy from you. Please, as hard as it may seem now – escape him. You are worth saving!

Why was I so blind that I didn’t see what was going on? After years of being single…years of ‘bad boys’ trying to take advantage of me, why didn’t I see right through him? Was I so desperate for love…so small and worthless…that I couldn’t see through the lies? I wasn’t even physically attracted to him…but he serenaded me…literally sang and played guitar….Eric Clapton to me! He didn’t sing well, but wow could he play the guitar! What is wrong with me? I told him “I don’t date musicians. I’ve been burned to many times.” He shifted with this…changed his colors. “Oh I get it! Guitar players are cocky. I’m not a guitar player. I just like playing music.” Why did I fall for this? I knew better. ‘Well, he is my friend’s brother in law..and he isn’t from around here. Maybe he’s different than all the rest,’ I reasoned. ‘I mean, he SEEMS different.’ WTH?! Just because he can play a slow song on the guitar…why should I believe that is genuine emotion…real feelings for me? Yet I fell for it all. His ‘you are so beautiful, I feel nervous around you’ attitude. His ‘down on my luck, new in town’ story. He made me his number one…most important, nothing else matters person. He took me out in his fast car to fancy dinners, bought me expensive gifts and showered me with attention that I have never felt. Why did I fall for it? It was over the top, unrealistic infatuation! And I ate it up…feeling like FINALLY I mattered to someone. And the music…finally I have an outlet for the music in me. He played guitar and I sang,,,,it felt good! Again…WTH was wrong with me? Why did I think that THIS was love. Getting drunk….going out with my friends, concerts and parties, barbecues, camping, riding the wave of my ‘local fame’…how did I think this was love? I was lost already then…but never expected to be pulled down to the deepest, darkest place because of him.

“There’s a shadow right behind me……just want to start this over.”…. a quote from one of my favorite bands. If only. Sometime I just want to “start this over.” Sadly, I took him there…to see this band live. It was the first concert we went to together the summer we first met. I was at my most beautiful self…and that was the lure. I didn’t know it then. I was so naive. Someone saw me….cared for me…made me their whole world. ME! How could this be? If only I knew then, how I was SO much more than I thought I was. If only I saw reality…who I was…who he REALLY was.

It was early October 2017 when my sister came to stay with me for a week and reclaim my house. After the ‘big confrontation’ when he went to stay at his mother’s, he left most of his things at the house. I let him convince me that it was the least disruptive for Amber while we worked on things. He was coming in and out as he pleased for about another month, until one evening when he left, Amber told me how he had the girls over and they had been in my room playing. That was it for me and it was time to remove him and his things once and for all. About that same time, he had thrown his ring at me and stormed out of counseling when I challenged his statements. Not long after, I was served with divorce papers. It was an ugly time, but he had finally set on a date for him to come get his things and leave once and for all. My sister was my rock during this time, and decided to spend a week with Amber and I to help us with this transition. Just before he moved his things out, he dropped by to declare that his lawyer told him that he had a right to the house too, so he was not going to move out. When I asked him how that would work, he was a little fuzzy and seemed to waver on if he even wanted to move back. I said that he had already agreed to leave so we are going to stick with that. He came to get all of his stuff one day while I was at work and Amber was at school. My sister was at my place to make sure everything went smoothly. I’m eternally grateful to my sister for what she did for us that week! Not only did she keep us safe, she installed a camera in the front of the house, changed the locks and organized our home after he had taken his things. With her help, I picked out new furniture, and she was there to set it up before she left. She helped detoxify my home after he left. It felt so much more peaceful!

Even while she was there, he visited the neighborhood on a regular basis. Lucky for me, the woman he cheated on me with lived at the end of my street. Jane had no problem inviting him over to watch her daughters and I think she gave him access to her home to feed her animals while she was away. This was his excuse for always being around, but I suspect it was more than that. Jane’s daughter Sami went to Amber’s school, so it was easy for Dee to volunteer to pick Sami up and walk her home. When he no longer had access to our home, he would walk Amber right past her own home to hang out at Sami’s until it was time to meet me after work. Jane had split custody of Sami, so Sami’s dad would take her every other week. We had agreed that he would pick Amber up from school twice a week, but he was in our neighborhood many more times than that. He would text to say he’s over “feeding the cats” and would want me to send Amber down to see the cat. Or he’d drive by and say nothing. Once, our neighbor said they even sawing him walking outside our neighborhood, on the other side of the fence from our back yards. Frankly, it was kinda scary. You never knew when he would just appear. We could be going to the pool or walking with our neighbor, and there he’d be. Besides helping Jane out with pets and repairs, he marketed himself to other neighbors as an affordable painter, giving him more excuses to be just down the road.

These visits weren’t just in the day either. On more than one occasion, we’d see his van parked by the pool late at night or in the early morning. He would even do drive buys or stay and park. For a long time I wondered if I was just seeing things, or maybe he stopped by someone’s house then left real quick. That was until Amber shared one day what she was going through during that time. She told me that after school, he would pick her up and they would circle the neighborhood. He said her dad would call Jane offering to stop by so “the girls can play”. Jane would say she wasn’t home, but they would still drive by her house and wait outside. I got chills when I heard this! This was during a time that Amber’s anxiety was really high, and it’s clear to see why. They had to drive around or park somewhere in his car for hours after he picked her up from school. He would insist that he just drop Amber off at the house, but I held firm on this. Unfortunately, it meant that he would deliberately arrive late for drop offs, making Amber’s anxiety even higher.

Honestly, I didn’t feel safe with him coming to the house anymore. When he was allowed to drop her off at the house, he would come early and snoop in the window or start a fight with Amber or me in the driveway. Add to that the ‘excuse’ to come back to the neighborhood, to continue the ‘good dad’ facade with our neighbors, and his need for complete control.

I got used to waiting for a long time after work in a public parking lot, wondering when he’d arrive this time. Sometimes, he’s get there early and make Amber wait in the car, telling her what an awful person I am for making her wait like this. He would yell at her for watching the clock or saying she had to use the restroom. On nights Jane allowed them to come over for a visit after school, he’d just not show up for drop off. When I’d ask where they were, he’d say she’s playing or eating and would be late. If Amber started to much complaining to want to get home, he’d yell at her then eventually drop her off to me. Amber would always tell me this, sometimes being vague to avoid hurting me.

If you were in the room when he spoke to anyone (mom, Jane, his lawyer, Amber’s counselor, or even a stranger at the supermarket), you’d hear a story about how controlling his X is (that’s me). I insisted things go ‘my way’ by meeting at a public parking lot, even though “Amber wants to just go home”. You may have even seen him mention this in his testimony to the judge. I was falsely accused of doing what he actually was doing. A clear example of narcissist projection.

Today, I sit in the same neighborhood. With his romantic interest shifted away from Jane and a jealous new woman in his life, we can now live in peace in our home…inside and out. It’s a gift I will never again take for granted!!!!

Sometimes I can’t believe how long it takes to heal from the emotional abuse a person puts you through. I get frustrated with myself, thinking “Why is this still bothering me so much!” Nearly every article I read about emotional abuse stresses the importance of distance for healing. Master manipulators are so good at what they do, that the only way to see clearly again is to stop all contact.

At the beginning of this year, I decided it was important to cut all social media ties with my X. This meant taking the bold step of reaching out to 8 people who were still shared friends with him on Facebook. For some, this is no big deal. I mean, they knew us both so who am I to make them choose between us? Perhaps it was his condescending voice I still heard in my head telling me that I was “to sensitive” or “controlling”, or it could be that I prefer to keep my life private or that I was still even afraid of the backlash me or my daughter would receive once news got back to my ex. If they had remained “friends” with him, watching his posts and following his social triumphs, how could I go to these same people and ask them to ‘unfriend’ him?

Many of these ‘shared contacts’ were in the dark about my ex. I became so good at minimizing his abusive behavior and shifting the blame onto myself, that these people had no idea that he is in fact a dangerous social predator. Even though I naively believed all the lies he told me, there’s no denying that he was very skilled at socially stalking people, and had likely done it to me and others for years. Social media and the internet give him all the information needed to easily manipulate people. It wasn’t until things were falling apart did I realize just how much information he had gathered on me and his new target electronically. I used to marvel at how much time he’d spend in front of a computer….then staring at his phone as technology changed.

Every time I started to convince myself that he remained connected to my friends and family on social media with good intentions, I would recall the time he hacked into my email or cellphone to spy, or when I caught him spending hours a day socially stalking his new target (what he called ‘just a friend’). He’d even staged “loving dad” photos on his Facebook page during the split that he printed for his lawyer to present as ‘evidence’ during our first custody date with the judge. This one I recall the most when I try to fool myself in believing his online innocence.

Knowing that it was the right step to make, it still took me days to muster up the courage to reach out to all 8 people in a Facebook message but decided that December 30th would be the day. Here is what I wrote:

“This is a difficult message for me to write because I would rather keep things private, but it is something I need to do. You may be aware that X and I are divorced but are probably not aware of the manipulation and emotional games he played with D and myself, particularly near the end. If he reached out to you, he would’ve likely told you a story about me being at fault. I have seen X use social media to belittle me, elevate himself, and even obsessively follow those he is interested in.”

“Rather then causing more drama, I thought that I would just sit back quietly and let people have their own opinions. However, I feel I owe you an explanation for what I plan to do. I’ve decided to cut all social media ties with X beginning in 2020. This means if you are Facebook friends with him, I cannot remain connected to you on Facebook. It may sound extreme to unfriend people but I hope you understand I want to remain friends…I just can’t expose myself any longer to X and his games. I know he will still bad mouth me and belittle me. However, I will know that I have done everything I can to disconnect from him and leave him in my past. I hope you understand that if you choose to remain Facebook friends with him instead, that I’m not angry about your decision. I wish you the best and hope our paths will cross again one day.”

After gaining the courage to send this message to all 8 people, only 1 did not ‘unfriend’ him by January 1st. Two or three responded personally to make sure I’m ok and others just read the message and unfriended him. The 1 person who did not unfriend him had already been liking many of his new bragging, outrageous texts. She had been a work friend of mine who tried to stay in contact with both of us. I remember speaking to her on the phone during the separation, yet she was still on his page often applauding his new life. So I feel I am better off unfriending this person and never visiting his social media site again.

I will admit that it’s tempting to stroll over to his page to see what ridiculous claims he is making now. However, I know this isn’t healthy and I’m better off imagining that he doesn’t exist in Facebook world. So far, I’m doing ok with that. 🙂

I’m going to start again by saying I am by no means a certified therapist or expert in psychology. Having said that, I’ve read a lot of books and done a lot of my own personal research to figure out my own experience and how to heal myself and my daughter from long term exposure to a narcissist. The first thing I had to understand in my healing journey is that the way I communicate and interact with others is not at all the same as how others interact. There are people walking among us with personality disorders that cleverly hide behind a mask. The mask is a person just like me…but what lies beneath is much darker and can be difficult to spot if you don’t know what to look for. However, with personality deficits comes a pattern of behavior that I’ve learned is much easier to spot then I once thought. Those with the mask pride themselves in being clever and may not even realize how predictable their behavior really is. Keeping us confused and uniformed is their ‘power move’ in this game. Once I learned about this pattern, past experiences came into focus for me. I think it’s important to share this pattern with as many people as possible…in case it can help you see what is REALLY happening.

Phase 1 – Idealize

N (will use to denote the Narcissist) begins each relationship in an exaggerated ‘honeymoon phase’. All new relationship begin with a euphoric phase where you feel great connection with one another. You meet this person who appears to be just like you in every way and you crave more and more of each other. With N, this phase seems to be to good to be true. Since they are masters at mirroring your every move, they appear to be your soul mate. You’ve never met anyone who really ‘gets’ you like this person! The N adds flattery and other manipulative tactics to ensure you are head over heals in love with them during this phase. They appear to be perfect in every way and will go out of their way to lift you up and make you feel like the most important person on the planet. If they know you enjoy quiet walks on the beach, they will plan an elaborate candle lit dinner just for the two of you on the beach. This is also a time to gather information. N knows by sharing moments of vulnerability, you too will share intimate details about yourself in a moment of trust. They know that this type of sharing gives you the deeper connection that you are craving, while feeding them valuable information about you that they can use in later phases.

Please understand that N’s use this pattern of behavior in all relationships, not just the ones with romantic partners. If it’s a parent or coworker instead of a love interest, they modify their connection to fit the circumstances. N’s know that children strive for parental approval and employees ultimately want to perform well on the job. With past relationships as practice and keen observational skills, N’s become very good at creating a false persona that fits just about any situation.

Phase 2 – Devalue

Once they have you hooked in the first phase, the N will begin getting bored with the game. Pretending to be just like you but not REALLY exhibiting your qualities frustrates them. Now they will begin moving into the next phase to elevate themselves by tearing you down…the devalue phase. They will often tiptoe into this phase, starting with subtle manipulation in order to remain in control. It might be a cold hearted insult, followed by a shallow, “I’m sorry. I was only teasing.” This phase has been compared to a cat playing with a mouse. The N will play mind games with his target (that’s you) until they break, then he will act confused or fake an apology to get what they want. Make no mistake, N’s are not only skilled at mirroring others, they are master manipulators. They know all the tricks and weave them together artfully to make you feel inferior and worthless in their presence. Depending on the target, support group and individual situation, breaking you into submission could take a great deal of time and energy. However, they gain great satisfaction in winning at all costs and are very persistent. It’s ironic to see the extreme dedication in winning that an N will put forth, when they lazily spend half effort in all other aspects of their life.

Phase 3 – Discard

Even though the 2nd phase can provide much enjoyment for the N, it does not satisfy the ultimate goal of removing the dark emptiness they feel inside. Like all other areas of focus, they eventually get bored and want more. Once you have been conquered and all good qualities sucked from you like a leech, they will begin looking for a new target. This is when they no longer have use for you. It is rare that they don’t have at least one target in the idealization phase before discarding another. Being alone is not an option for them, so there will constantly be searching for something better. Once they find one, they will be sure to utilize the ‘scorched earth’ approach for discarding you. in their mind, the more destruction that can be left behind, the better. Since they don’t feel true feelings like you and I, they have no problem tearing people down and will take pride in your suffering. Your reaction to their cruelty further fuels their story to others that you really ARE crazy and can’t get enough of them. Discard can also be initiated when the target has seen behind the mask and wants out. Of course, this will cause an even greater attack on the target for attempting to reveal who the N REALLY is to the world. This will anger them more than anything else. I’ve found that less damage is done if you are able to escape with no further contact…if at all possible.

Each phase can be repeated multiple times. For instance, after an argument when you have recognized you are being treated poorly, N may turn on the charm and return to phase 1, showering you with gifts and complements. I can go on and on about these phases, listing specific instances, quotes and common scenarios. However, I will leave that for future blogs. For now, I want to share the secret behind every interaction with a narcissist. If you have a relationship with one, you are likely cycling through one of these phases right now.

SURPRISE NARCISSISTS!!!!! We are on to you! You aren’t as unique and unpredictable as you thought you were.

Let me start off by saying that I am NOT a psychiatrist. I recently ended a long term relationship with a man who had me struggling to navigate through a fog of confusion since the moment I met him. What I thought was reality, was in fact all lies.

I found that the best thing I could do to heal from the experience is learn as much as I can about what I had gone through. In the beginning, all that I knew is that there was something not right with the way this man related to others. As I poured over internet articles and books about psychological disorders, I discovered that the way my ex responded and interacted with others matched an exact pattern! The more I read, the more I realized that I was dealing with a narcissist.

Most of the articles I read warned that those of us without a degree in psychology should never try to diagnose someone as having a personality disorder. However, these same articles would later admit that narcissists rarely seek treatment. Since they perceive themselves as better than everyone else and only ‘crazy people’ seek psychiatric treatment, you will not find them in front of a counselor unless forced to do so. Even then, they will likely lie their way through each session, fooling many psychiatrists into believing that there is nothing at all wrong with them. With a beaten down, submissive partner in the counseling session next to them, it would be very unlikely for even the best trained therapists to determine that the chameleon before them was a narcissist.

I experienced this first hand during the end of my relationship. My husband would amp up the charm in each session, giving me little time to speak. It’s almost as though he rehearsed for hours before each session. He would reveal the most vulnerable and embarrassing weaknesses of mine, using trigger words to get me to react and look like the crazy one while he sat calmly back faking his surprise at my reaction. While I was there for discovery and to better myself and our relationship, he used the sessions to prove how normal and sane he is and how insane and impossible to live with I am. I discovered much later that this is typical behavior for a narcissist.

Only after minimizing my exposure to him and his games, was I finally able to start recognizing the patterns in his behavior. I spent time reading checklists with titles like “how do you know you are in a relationship with a narcissist”. I was amazed that each point would match his behavior exactly. With each red check mark describing his behavior, I would feel a sense of relief that I finally had a name for what I was experiencing. Other emotions flooded through my mind the more I discovered, and still do to this day on occasion. I would be angry at this monster for treating me this way and angry at myself for being such a fool. I would be sad for all the time I lost and what this has done to our daughter. Guilt, disgust, fear and 50 other emotions flooded my mind in the beginning of my path to discovery. These were all feelings that I later found out the narcissist is not capable of feeling.

As I entered my path to discovery, I did not limit my search to narcissism. In the beginning, all I knew was that something was just not right. I read articles and books on everything from bipolar personality disorder to schizophrenia. Although some share similar behaviors, it was clear to me that what I was dealing with was 100% narcissist. Knowing this helped me better understand the ‘why’ I had been asking myself for years. It helped me see that I cannot relate or rationalize his behavior, and that I am not crazy or damaged. Later, I even learned that I was targeted for my strengths and good qualities…qualities that he deeply longs to have but will never possess. Possessing me and tearing me down was all he had, and that’s something I was able to take back from him. I know that there are very good therapists out there who can help people on this journey of healing. Trusting and loving family and friends are also vital when stepping out of the fog and into to a narcissist free world. Personally, the best medicine for me has been (and always will be) my relationship with my Father in Heaven. He has saved me in countless ways and continues to walk by my side, pointing me in the right direction and protecting me from destruction.

Even if the unusual relationship that you are wrapped up in is not with a narcissist, I encourage you to take time to better understand your feelings and pay attention to that nagging feeling that ‘something just isn’t right with this person’. Keeping us in a fog is exactly what some emotional predators want to keep us from waking up and gaining back control.

The message today at church was about mistakes. The story told was from 1 Chronicles 21. It was about David’s sin and the punishment justly given by God for this sin. The pastor ended the sermon with how we should respond to our mistakes. Not only are we to repent and correct our behavior, but we were encouraged to share our stories with others.

I have struggled with feelings of guilt and unworthiness for the countless mistakes I’ve made in my past. Many of my more recent ones have been around how I have handled a high conflict divorce and custody battle with a narcissist. Besides what I should do to help my daughter through this difficult time, I know how God wants me to react when I am confronted with challenges. I know all of this, yet still make ‘mistakes’. I spent many years bottling up my mistakes and feeling guilty and ashamed, wanting to hide them from the world as if they never happened. This guilt would cause me to feel unworthy of happiness, causing me to make even more bad choices…especially when it came to relationships and matters of the heart. I know now that without fully surrendering to God and accepting the gift of forgiveness through the cross, this dark spiral would have eventually consumed me. Guilt is something I continue to struggle with from time to time. Sharing my faults and mistakes with others is also a very difficult thing for me to do. Attention is something that has always made me very uncomfortable, especially negative attention. Yet, God has always known how to reach me, how to pull me kicking and screaming out of the fire that I created around myself. He knows that I will be vulnerable and brave for the chance to help someone. I will be strong in order to prevent someone else from hurting the way that I have, to stop just one person from making the same terrible decisions that I have made to make life worse (not better).

I’ve started to learn that I am here to spread God’s light, no matter how it makes me look. It’s not my story…it’s HIS. He rescued me, despite the darkness and foolishness of my own actions. He stays by my side, even when I tried to push him away. I am loved more than I deserve or could ever fathom! If He wants me to step out of the shadows to reveal the deepest, darkest corners of my life in order to bring glory to Him, then I will be brave and tell my story.