The 3 Phases

I’m going to start again by saying I am by no means a certified therapist or expert in psychology. Having said that, I’ve read a lot of books and done a lot of my own personal research to figure out my own experience and how to heal myself and my daughter from long term exposure to a narcissist. The first thing I had to understand in my healing journey is that the way I communicate and interact with others is not at all the same as how others interact. There are people walking among us with personality disorders that cleverly hide behind a mask. The mask is a person just like me…but what lies beneath is much darker and can be difficult to spot if you don’t know what to look for. However, with personality deficits comes a pattern of behavior that I’ve learned is much easier to spot then I once thought. Those with the mask pride themselves in being clever and may not even realize how predictable their behavior really is. Keeping us confused and uniformed is their ‘power move’ in this game. Once I learned about this pattern, past experiences came into focus for me. I think it’s important to share this pattern with as many people as possible…in case it can help you see what is REALLY happening.

Phase 1 – Idealize

N (will use to denote the Narcissist) begins each relationship in an exaggerated ‘honeymoon phase’. All new relationship begin with a euphoric phase where you feel great connection with one another. You meet this person who appears to be just like you in every way and you crave more and more of each other. With N, this phase seems to be to good to be true. Since they are masters at mirroring your every move, they appear to be your soul mate. You’ve never met anyone who really ‘gets’ you like this person! The N adds flattery and other manipulative tactics to ensure you are head over heals in love with them during this phase. They appear to be perfect in every way and will go out of their way to lift you up and make you feel like the most important person on the planet. If they know you enjoy quiet walks on the beach, they will plan an elaborate candle lit dinner just for the two of you on the beach. This is also a time to gather information. N knows by sharing moments of vulnerability, you too will share intimate details about yourself in a moment of trust. They know that this type of sharing gives you the deeper connection that you are craving, while feeding them valuable information about you that they can use in later phases.

Please understand that N’s use this pattern of behavior in all relationships, not just the ones with romantic partners. If it’s a parent or coworker instead of a love interest, they modify their connection to fit the circumstances. N’s know that children strive for parental approval and employees ultimately want to perform well on the job. With past relationships as practice and keen observational skills, N’s become very good at creating a false persona that fits just about any situation.

Phase 2 – Devalue

Once they have you hooked in the first phase, the N will begin getting bored with the game. Pretending to be just like you but not REALLY exhibiting your qualities frustrates them. Now they will begin moving into the next phase to elevate themselves by tearing you down…the devalue phase. They will often tiptoe into this phase, starting with subtle manipulation in order to remain in control. It might be a cold hearted insult, followed by a shallow, “I’m sorry. I was only teasing.” This phase has been compared to a cat playing with a mouse. The N will play mind games with his target (that’s you) until they break, then he will act confused or fake an apology to get what they want. Make no mistake, N’s are not only skilled at mirroring others, they are master manipulators. They know all the tricks and weave them together artfully to make you feel inferior and worthless in their presence. Depending on the target, support group and individual situation, breaking you into submission could take a great deal of time and energy. However, they gain great satisfaction in winning at all costs and are very persistent. It’s ironic to see the extreme dedication in winning that an N will put forth, when they lazily spend half effort in all other aspects of their life.

Phase 3 – Discard

Even though the 2nd phase can provide much enjoyment for the N, it does not satisfy the ultimate goal of removing the dark emptiness they feel inside. Like all other areas of focus, they eventually get bored and want more. Once you have been conquered and all good qualities sucked from you like a leech, they will begin looking for a new target. This is when they no longer have use for you. It is rare that they don’t have at least one target in the idealization phase before discarding another. Being alone is not an option for them, so there will constantly be searching for something better. Once they find one, they will be sure to utilize the ‘scorched earth’ approach for discarding you. in their mind, the more destruction that can be left behind, the better. Since they don’t feel true feelings like you and I, they have no problem tearing people down and will take pride in your suffering. Your reaction to their cruelty further fuels their story to others that you really ARE crazy and can’t get enough of them. Discard can also be initiated when the target has seen behind the mask and wants out. Of course, this will cause an even greater attack on the target for attempting to reveal who the N REALLY is to the world. This will anger them more than anything else. I’ve found that less damage is done if you are able to escape with no further contact…if at all possible.

Each phase can be repeated multiple times. For instance, after an argument when you have recognized you are being treated poorly, N may turn on the charm and return to phase 1, showering you with gifts and complements. I can go on and on about these phases, listing specific instances, quotes and common scenarios. However, I will leave that for future blogs. For now, I want to share the secret behind every interaction with a narcissist. If you have a relationship with one, you are likely cycling through one of these phases right now.

SURPRISE NARCISSISTS!!!!! We are on to you! You aren’t as unique and unpredictable as you thought you were.