Since my last post mentioned how therapeutic I have found note taking to be through all of this, I thought I’d share a sample of the notes I took after my first marriage counseling session during the separation period of my XN (Ex Narcassist) and I. I had intended to share these with my counselor, but I’m not sure if I ever did. This is in the rawest form, copied from my personal notes relaying that moment in my life. It captures the flawed, scared, naive, messed up person I was at the time, but is 100% real.
Each time I revisit notes such as the ones below, I see with clarity just how calculated and manipulative narcissists can be. It’s difficult for rational, ‘normal’ people to comprehend how twisted someone’s world can become with one of these people in your life. Perhaps there is someone out there right now stuck in the fake world of a narcissist… in the exact place I was 2 years. If so, I hope you know that you are not alone, you are not crazy (no matter what he/she says), and you CAN break free and heal from this….
Saturday, September 2, 2017
8:31 AM
(addressed to our marriage counselor)
Based on your suggestion in our first session, I thought I’d send you
my notes on what’s been happening. I wanted to start with the last
session, then go into a little background and what continues in
recent months and days. It’s a very long message so I understand if
you don’t get around to reading it all. I tend to write to process
things, so it helps me to get it all out even if you can’t read it all.
Dee has a tendency to put himself in the best light possible even if that means gross omissions or bending the facts. I saw this and tried not to react, but I have to admit that he has gotten very good at triggering a reaction from me. My reactions will usually be quiet, sometimes anger, and often times I take on the blame that he passes. It’s only when I step away do I get clarity into what just happened. There were a couple of those in the session, but the strongest was when he said he had no choice in leaving. I confronted him about this on the car ride home. After the initial defenses he lashed out at me, I reminding him of the facts, then he told me that he will tell you what really happened and that I should to. I’m going to go back a little to give you the full story, and end with how we both agreed that him leaving was the best option right now.
At the beginning of summer, my daughter (Amber) met 2 girls down the street she liked playing with. At first they played outside, but after her mom and I met with the kids at a bowling alley, we started feeling comfortable with each other. Not long after, the mom brought her girls to meet us at a local pizza place where Dee was playing music. The girls started playing at our house and the 5 year old (Sami) really started liking Amber. The 10 year old (Molly) would fight with her sister a lot and was very standoffish. We found out later she has some anger issues.
During the summer, Dee’s mom agreed to watch Amber while he worked. He had told us all along that he would be doing some bonding things with Amber because they had been fighting a lot and she was feeling like he didn’t love her. While with her, he would often be talking on the phone, texting, on the Internet or playing his guitar. In fact, this is what he does with me around too. He agreed that he and Amber should get out and do something they both like to help mend their relationship, but he never took steps to do this. Instead, he started working more hours. As Amber started playing with the girls more, he invited the mom (Jane) over for dinner. Her
girls have 2 separate dads and she has split custody. I noticed when Jane was around, Dee went out of his way to impress her. He starts every new friendship with highlighting his accomplishments, so at first I dismissed my gut feelings. One night while at dinner, Jane mentioned having to go to the laundromat because her washer broke and her landlord is not fixing it. Dee had just fixed our drier so we both suggested maybe he could fix her washer. He went over to look at it while I stayed with the kids. One thing I noticed is that Jane doesn’t feed her kids dinner until 9PM and in the summer they can stay up as long as they want. So if she’d come over for dinner, Dee would talk with her and it would get past Amber’s bedtime. Once, I told them I had to read to Amber but they were welcome to listen to
the story, but Amber would have to go to bed after. Dee found it very difficult to stop his conversation with Jane and resumed as soon as I read the last sentence. Jane departed with her kids and I put Amber to bed.
The bedtime routine was also mentioned in our session so let me add some details. I will be honest that I’m fuzzy about how things were in Illinois, but I can tell you that at least since we’ve been married, Amber sleeps in her room 5 nights a week. Even though we should’ve stopped this by now, we have been letting Amber sleep once with me and once with her dad ever week. I had only asked Dee to let me have 1 night a week where he is responsible for putting her to bed. I told him that I don’t mind if he doesn’t lay down with her…but I want him to handle bedtime. On his night, he continues to stay on his phone and ignore us well after bedtime. I either have to ask him when he’s going to put her to bed (which gets met with
anger) or I have to go upstairs away from them. He will pick that moment to start arguing with Amber that she should not sleep with him. She starts crying and feeling even more unloved and comes to me. I really have tried to leave that between them but it hurts me to watch him ignore her all day and the lash out at her before bed. I know I need to find a better way, but I just want the anger, tears and hurt to stop. I volunteer to give up my night to make it stop, mistakenly thinking he’s upset because he can’t stay up until 2AM like he does every other night. There have been other nights where
he gives in and says he will sleep with her. He often plays out or goes to shows at night also so every week is different. One thing I have noticed is that Dee doesn’t show affection for Amber in the day. But at night after I have her ready and in bed, he will come up and softly pet her head and spend a minute with just her. When he is not home to do this on his night, she gets really stressed about bedtime.
Back to the family down the street. As the summer went on, Dee told me that work was expecting to much from him and his mom was spending her days with Amber on the phone looking for a job. He decided he would tell his job that he needed the next 3 or 4 weeks off until school started because he needed to stay home with his daughter. Around that same time, Jane had gotten a new job. They were spending dinners with us, the kids were playing over a lot and they even went to the beach with us. Dee was acting so strange around her..wanting to tell her and show her all the great things he has done and going out of his way to offer up his handyman and or
babysitting services. One evening he told me he felt nervous around her (like a high school boy) and was worried he looked foolish. All of this was odd to me but like I said..it takes me awhile to process sometimes.
Jane is a last minute person who doesn’t plan well. One day they came to play and the girls complained that they had to go to the Y all day and Sami cried the whole time. At this same time was when Dee decided to stay home, so he offered to watch the girls for free while Jane worked. Dee’s work schedule is deadline driven but she can do some work at home. She had her girls every other week in the summer, so the girls started coming over around 9 every day. Often times they were still there when I got home from work, but their mom might be coming over so they can have dinner with us. Dee refused to take payment for babysitting so Jane would buy lots of food for us and her girls. Dee also started texting Jane and helping
her with anything she needed done. Dee would sometimes take them to the pool where he would justify spending all of his time with Sami because she is the youngest and not a strong swimmer. There was tension between the oldest and youngest and Amber would take sides with the youngest, so the oldest would get mad and separate herself from the other 2. When I would get home, it was clear that the girls were left alone upstairs all day to play because the whole upstairs was a wreck, including my closest and bathroom.
Amber had a birthday party the weekend before school started. The
timing was bad before school, so we really only invited the girls and a couple others who couldn’t make it. It was a Sunday and I volunteer for church so Amber and I went early. Normally Dee picks his mom up to go to 2nd service and I call him after I’m done to meet for lunch. When I called him, he said he just woke up and didn’t go to church. When I asked if he talked to his mom, he said no. This only added to his strange behavior. I had also noticed he wasn’t eating much, if at all, and had dropped a lot of weight. He would always say he wasn’t that hungry but was eating. For a long time he hasn’t been sleeping right.. choosing to stay up late then not
getting to sleep. Around the same time as school started, he began
taking midnight walks around the neighborhood. He bragged that he started walking over an hour a night and did it mainly to clear his head. He said he’d walk the loop around our neighborhood only lost in his own world.
On the day of the party, the girls arrived without their mom. You could tell Molly was upset her mom wasn’t there but she said she was getting the present. I had seen Dee texting someone a little while before the party start time so I suspect it was to remind Jane of the party. The girls played and Dee’s mom left just as we were getting ready to go to the neighborhood pool. This is when Jane got there. We stayed long enough for Amber to open her present then headed to the pool. Dee had to get ready so the rest of us went ahead because the girls wanted to show Amber a kitten they were watching for a friend. When we went in Jane’s house to see the
kitten, the place smelled like pot. She had a friend over who was fixing her sink while we were at the pool. Jane went to the pool with us but stayed in the shade, wore dark glasses and complained about her eyesight, so I suspected she was high. Dee was showing off at the pool. He was diving over a floaty half way down the pool and throwing Sami up in the air. He also spent quite a bit of time outside the pool talking to Jane. They decided they would go for a ride in his specialty sports car to pick up a pizza while I watched the girls. After dinner, Jane mentioned some kids were coming over and invited Amber over. While I was in the shower, they left. Dee had texted me where they were and said I could come on down too. I was
exhausted from the day and didn’t feel like socializing so I changed my mind and texted that I was going to stay home and watch TV. We were planning to get up early the next day and I noticed it was well past bedtime. When I called Dee, he seemed annoyed and said she was upstairs playing. When he hung up, it was the first time he hung up without saying “love u”. I was kinda in disbelief. Later he told me he was around new people and that’s why he didn’t say it.
The following Tuesday was Amber’s first dance class. Dee had been babysitting all day and Jane got to our house to pick up her girls just
before we were about to leave for dance. Her girls seemed to be curious so I invited them to go with us. Jane decided she’d go to and would drive separately. As we were about to leave Dee decided he’d come to. I will just add that he has only gone to watch her dance one other time in the year she has been going. While I stood outside watching her dance, Jane’s girls were fighting over a drink and Dee was acting really nervous. He started asking Jane if she got her car fixed, then told her how he had done research and found the part she needs at a cheep price. It seemed as though he was going out of his way again to do something for her. When Sami was pouting, he kneeled to her level and asked if he could have a hug. This struck me as odd too because he doesn’t do that kinda thing. After that
night, we had a talk about my concerns. He told me again how he feels like a teenage boy around Jane, but dismissed his behavior.
The next day, he took Amber and Sami to school to see their classrooms. Jane let Dee take Sami to school while she ran around getting papers in order. Later in his phone, I saw lots of pictures he took from school that he probably texted to Jane. They had made an agreement that on the days that Jane had Sami, she could walk to school in the morning with them, and Dee would pick Sami up with Amber at the end of the day and watch her until Jane got home from picking Molly up at a different school. Both Dee and Amber told me more than once privately that they were fighting. Amber felt like dad ignored her but paid lots of attention to Sami. Dee explained
that Amber wasn’t used to sharing and was jealous. By this time, Dee was always on his phone and seemed to be doing everything he could to get away from us any chance he got. He also started spending even more time in the bathroom, saying he has had stomach problems.
A week into school on a Friday I had planned to come home early to have lunch with Dee. We would then get Amber at school together. Because we had started to have problems, I thought it would be like a mini date and he seemed to be on board. But when I got there, he was distant, distracted, nervous, and preoccupied with the time. He explained it away by saying he didn’t want to be late to pick up Amber. It was a very unpleasant lunch. When we got to school, Sami came out and stood by Dee while we waited for Amber to be released. It started raining hard, so Dee opened his umbrella and sheltered Sami. I noticed his nervousness stopped once Sami stood by him. Then I saw him kneel down, smile real big and take a selfie
of himself and Sami then text it away…most likely to Jane. He gave me the large umbrella so he could hold Sami’s bags. He grabbed Amber’s bags too and walked without an umbrella while the girls and I had the umbrella. I watched the girls while he went upstairs to change. He kept going upstairs to use the bathroom too which I thought was odd. Later I found out that he texted Jane the pic but also texted how wet he got and that all he needed “is a bar of soap and I would be all clean.”
That same week Sami and Amber had made a mess and ruined some of my stuff after school. He was angry at Amber. I heard from Amber that dad stays on his phone downstairs while she is stuck keeping Sami out of trouble. She liked playing with her but keeping her out of trouble was exhausting. Dee had a different story, so I tried to take neutral ground and have Dee insist that the girls no longer play in our room or bathroom. I think he was annoyed that he had to set this rule with Sami, but he never directly admitted that to me. We had also talked about the pot smell and he said that Jane doesn’t smoke in front of the kids and so he didn’t see a problem. Then he went on to suggest that I’m an alcoholic because I drink
wine. I decided at that moment I will not drink wine while we are going through all of this just to be sure there is no confusion.
He was very distant that next weekend…but this has been the new normal with him. He seemed especially angry at me though. As I was cleaning upstairs in the evening, he came in and told Amber that the girls were outside and wanted her to come over. She came in and told me where she was going and her and Dee headed down the street. This time I wasn’t invited. Again they stayed long past bedtime with church early the next day. When I called, he seemed even more annoyed then last time and again hung up without a “love you”. That weekend, I had been doing some research and told him that I was uncomfortable with Amber going over to their house knowing that Jane smokes pot. He got very angry and I told him that it didn’t matter if he was there, recreational pot smoking while a minor is in your custody is illegal. He fought me, but eventually agreed he didn’t want to risk Amber’s safety. I now realize that this could be what he is referring to when he says things are “dictated to him” and he just gives in to me. However, I was seeing an unhealthy pattern and I will stand by my decision not to expose Amber liked that.
The next Monday was when it all started coming out. Dee let Amber have it. She was complaining that she was tired of having Sami overall the time and Dee told her that now she’s acting just like me and that I’m putting bad thoughts into her head. After dinner that night, he went outside. The girls came in and wanted to make slime their mom got them at Michael’s. Dee said he was going to Walmart while I helped the girls. Near bedtime they were going to walk home and I offered to walk them since it was dark. When we got to their house, the door was locked and Molly knocked. Their mom was talking with someone so quickly opened the door then walked back in. As Amber and I were walking back, Amber told me that she was worried that dad would “break up with me” because he is really mad at me for not letting her go to her friends house. I decided not to tell her why I made the decision, but told her that I have concerns and would hope that dad could support me. When we got home, it dawned on us that dad’s van was in the driveway. We looked all in the house, but he wasn’t there. Amber started getting scared so I told her she could call him. He did not answer his phone, so she left a message and got panicked. I was concerned too and wondered if he was walking again. I suggested we get in the car and drive the neighborhood looking for him. When we rounded the last corner, we saw him walking out from behind Jane’s house. My heart sank
and I told him I needed his phone. He handed it to me and walked home while I drove around and parked. I sat in my car and read his texts with Jane. I saw that he fixed her car and she said “I love you”. He said “I love you too” and further down offered to come over and keep her company. I was devastated and did not react well. I told him to leave and he said they were just friends. I decided I wanted to see what she thought and started heading down the street to get her side. As I go, he and Amber follow with him telling Amber how I cheated on him and now I’m making a big deal over a friendship. He’s recording me with his phone while Amber begs us not to split up. Still walking down the street, he tells Amber that, “Mom is the one who is making the scene and splitting us up!”
In the middle of the street I really think God gave me clarity. I stopped and told Dee he had a choice…her or us. If he goes back home with us, no more Jane. He walked angrily back with us complaining about my unreasonable behavior. As we were home, he kept lashing out at me. I asked for his phone again and then I called Jane. He started to grab it back as I headed out to the patio. He threatened that if I called her, he would leave. As the phone rang, he started packing his musical equipment in a bag. Amber begged him not to go and he told her again that it was my fault he was leaving. When Amber didn’t answer, I hung up and gave his phone back. He stopped packing, playing it off like we had convinced him to stay. It was very rocky after that. He cried at the thought of breaking contact with Jane, saying she was really helping him with his issues. Later, he told me he’d break it off with her but had to “sleep on it”.
The next day, Sami was back at our house when I got home. Amber had fought with her which caused Sami to cry and Dee to come down on Amber. Dee had band mates over to ride with him to practice. As I was talking to one, Molly came in to get Sami and Dee stood in the driveway. Later, I found out that he told Jane I saw the texts. He first told me that he said “I was hurt by them.” Later I found out he actually told her angrily that “she tried to kick me out”. Ever since then, and probably before, he’s been lying to me. I hate snooping but I must admit I do not trust him anymore. After we had talked about how him leaving may be a good idea but he was ‘going to try’, I decided to look at his Facebook. When I did, I saw that he
had been searching her site on average 7-10 times every day. This meant that on the day he was with us ‘trying’, he was secretly looking at her page. When I asked about it, he lied until he realized I already knew. Then he complained that I was trapping him (rather than giving him the option to come clean). He used the excuse that he’s only going there because I told him not to…as if this is new behavior started when I told him to break it off with her. With the constant lies and fighting, I told him we should go with plan B and he should stay at his mom’s. Earlier in the week, I asked him what he thought about still taking Amber to school and spending the afternoon with her and eating supper, then staying somewhere else. He told me more than once that he needs time alone to work on issues and we
agreed we were only hurting each other more every night. He said
he’d like to try to engage and get along with the family, but would go
with this if we found staying wasn’t working. When I suggested on Sunday that we go with plan B, he got angry and refused. I got angry and said I’d call the police. I didn’t and wasn’t going to..I reacted in anger and feel ashamed of my weakness. Instead I called his mom to make sure it was ok if he stayed there. He calmed and we agreed together on how to make it.
Later he got mad, saying whatever I said to Jane caused her to unfriend him and that he only goes to her site because she posts ‘interesting articles’. This was the day he came home and stole my phone out of my purse and also cleared his Facebook search history. I found out later that he searched her site every day a week before the ‘found texts’. One weekend, when he was home with us he searched for her site 22 times in 1 day.
The Friday after the ‘found texts’, I came home early but didn’t tell him. He wasn’t home and got there just a few minutes before school pick up time. We had made an agreement that Sami was not coming home with us anymore. However, when we get to school, Sami walks up to him and stands by him as if we are taking her home. He asks her about her day and happily interacts with her. Before Amber is released, Jane approaches from the opposite side walking to us and waves her arm. She stops (probably because she sees me). Dee tells Sami, “Your mom is over there waiting for you.” Amber comes out a few seconds later happy and surprised to see me. Later we discuss it and Dee says that Jane was just late and Sami doesn’t know any better since she used to go home with us. From Amber I find out that this happens a lot. Amber is the last released so she only sees it when Jane is super late. This had happened a few times though, and Dee and Amber will stay and wait at the school after everyone else has left because Jane has not arrived.
On the day of our appointment, I worked from home. I was between calls so went with Dee to get Amber. He had hurried ahead of me at first and sent a text on his phone, then began walking very slow (for him) toward the school. As soon as Sami saw us, she stepped out of line and stood next to Dee. Again Dee asked about her day. When Amber got out, Jane had still not arrived. Recognizing the situation, I asked Sami where her teacher was and had her lead me that way. I spotted the lady who keeps the kids in lines and stopped to tell her that Sami’s mom picks her up but isn’t here yet. The woman looks confused and walks to Dee with Sami and says, “Doesn’t she go home with you?” He says “not today.” I respond that her mom is picking
her up from now on. Dee and I did not discuss this after because honestly I need a safe place to address it. Also, I suspect he will do nothing to change it because this is his daily contact excuse with Jane.