Mistakes with No Contact

I recently stumbled upon an article online that mentions 10 common mistakes we make when deciding to go ‘no contact’ with a narcissist. There are a lot of trendy articles out on the internet today that list ‘no contact’ as a full proof way of “getting your X back”. This is NOT what I’m talking about here. This form of ‘no contact’ is when you have reached the point where the fog of your relationship is so thick, that you know you need to do SOMETHING to reach clarity again. Countless psychiatrists and past victims like me will tell you that there is only ONE way to get back to yourself again after a narcissist has sucked you into his web. The ONLY way to rid the parasite is to completely cut them from your life. That means no texts, no phone calls or meet ups, and even no ‘silent’ social media following. Although this seems on the surface to be easy, it is actually really difficult given the way us victims have been conditioned to ‘NEED’ this person in our life. Sometimes even the obsession of trying to figure out what happened to us is enough to keep us coming back for more.

It’s not uncommon, and we shouldn’t beat ourselves us when we fall. In fact, I read somewhere that it usually takes an abused person 7 attempts before they finally leave for good. This can be discouraging, but also highlights the fact that this is VERY DIFFICULT! This is an addiction, and addictions take a great deal of time and determination to recover from.

Despite this, I want to see each person who has gone through this to know what they are stepping into. Hopefully, with knowledge there is power and confidence….confidence to beat the odds and succeed in less time than the average person.

To help those who may be going through this now, I thought I would share the article I read about mistakes made during ‘no contact’, then list how I did on each one of these. (spoiler alert – I struggled with each step, some more than others).

The article is located here: https://toxicties.com/no-contact-narcissist-mistakes/

And now for the list and how I responded to each:

1. Underestimating the Narcissist – I didn’t even know what a narcissist was when I went through this. I’d heard the word thrown around to describe difficult people, but I was so clueless when it came to what I was dealing with in my own relationship. So, yes…this one was high on the list when it was time for me to be devalued. I had no IDEA that a human could be so manipulative, and that everything I experienced in my relationship for the last 10 years was actually just ‘pretend’.
2. Breaking no contact to reinforce no contact – I will admit that this one got me a few times. I had to be reminded of this by my sister on more than one occasion. She would say, “He’s trying to bait you. Just don’t respond!” This is the only way I got through this phase. Of course, with a custody dispute and a small child in the mix, this one becomes even MORE difficult. Afterall, there are drop off and pick ups that need to be worked out…and those are NEVER easy with a narcissist. If they are not purposely being late or changing plans to make your life a living Hell, then they will torture your child until she begs to come home early. As long as they have visitation, you are legally required to remain in contact. Even so, you do NOT need to stick around at drop off while they tell you how depressed they are without you, or when they lean on your open window to chat about old times while your daughter buckles herself into the back of your car. As cold as it seems, it’s ok to drive away. You don’t owe them your time!
3. Needing closure – This one was especially hard for me as well. Somehow I wanted proof of cheating, to know that I wasn’t crazy and imagining things like he said I was. I wanted to know that I wasn’t crazy, and felt he owed it to me to own up for all that he did to me. As hard as it is, we have to realize that this person is ‘not like us’. He can’t feel remorse and will NEVER sincerely admit or apologize for all that he has done. It may take years, but we have to one day accept that we will never receive closure from this person, and that has to be ok.
4. Falling for the “flying monkeys” – I was lucky to not have to many mutual friends with him to let this one cause to much damage. Since we had moved somewhere new a few years before, we didn’t have a long history of mutual friends that he could use to turn against me. Not that he didn’t try, of course. One Sunday afternoon, I got a Facebook message from an old friend who I hadn’t talked to in years. This was a friend from the midwest who I knew BEFORE Dee. My friend worked at the local radio station that my brother-in-law worked at so we were always running into each other at fun events around town. He moved to FL years before we did, and had established a name for himself on the radio in his new town. Being true to my family and avoiding jealous outbursts, I decide it best not to reach out to my radio friend when we moved to ‘keep the peace at home’. However, after the break up, Dee decided on a Saturday night pub crawl to approach my friend and drop my name in an attempt to ‘hang out’ with someone cool…and likely to drag my name through the mud. The FB message I got simply read “It seems I met your husband lastnight…” I will never know what was said about me, but I did notice a picture on Dee’s FB page the next day saying “Hangin’ with my bud Deuce”. This is mild compared to how abusers will use others to get at you. Also known as flying monkeys, narcissists love to use your inner circle to convince you that you should go back, break no contact, and stop being selfish. Parents, siblings and long life friends can be used as pawns to show you just how wrong you are for breaking contact. Please don’t listen to them!
5. Spying on social media – This one lingered on longer than the rest for me. Even though I was careful to block myself and keep myself private, his site was wide open and full of posts about ‘toxic relationships’ and how glad he was to escape. He also flaunted his ‘friendship’ with our neighbor and suddenly began posting political posts and on topics that he used to tell me he despised. I was addicted to this circus sideshow for quite awhile, trying to fathom how this could be the same person I shared my life with for so many years. In moments of weakness, I would even pull up the page from the woman he cheated with…or even the new girlfriend who he had moved in with. I justified that I wanted to see if they were posting about my daughter, but really it was not ok that I looked her up at all. All of that only caused me to hurt worse….and it was really only me it was hurting. I would see that old friends of mine were still on his social media as ‘friends’ and it would eat me up inside. Finally, I decided as a New Year’s resolution, I would write all my friends and tell them that I was cutting social media ties. If they wanted to be online friends with him, then they could not with me. It was the final step I took to cut off the ‘social media tie’ for good.
6. Believing he’s changed – This kept me in the relationship in the early stages…and made 4 years of abuse turn into 10. Deep down, I probably knew who he was back then…incapable of loving or giving anything of himself to me or his daughter…completely selfish and uncaring, condescending and hateful. Yet, I kept trying to believe he would be what he pretended to be in the beginning. By the time I caught him cheating, I still wanted to believe he cared. Even though I knew things were different, I kept trying to believe that he at least loved our daughter, even if he didn’t love me. This took a few months and a couple of ‘extremely obvious’ indiscretions before it finally sank in. We have to remember that we aren’t stupid…they are just masters at manipulation and they know how to make us keep believing the best in them….even if it was never really there to begin with.
7. Obsessively analyzing what happened – So guilty of this! I mean, did he really cheat? He said he didn’t, so am I making this up? No…I saw the text…he said he loved her. I caught him sneaking out of her house…of course he cheated! It was thoughts like this that kept me up night after night. He wasn’t suffering. I was! He knew the truth and reveled in the fact that I did not. While he sadistically reveled in his actions, I played situations over and over…looking for a new clue to the puzzle. What I didn’t realize for years is that there IS no answer. Playing situations over and over and analyzing details was hurting ME and no one else. Until I could give it up and move on, no amount of rehashing or questioning him or mentally reliving everything was going to save me from the pain.
8. Not having a support system – I was very blessed in this area. Narcissists know how to isolate us from our family and friends until they are the only one we have. However, there is one person he could never separate me from…my sister. And she saved me. She was the outside voice of reason, the person who came and boldly stood up for me…who was there when he came to get his stuff….who ALWAYS answered my call at any hour of the day when I needed strength. I got through this much quicker because of her. I can only hope to be that for someone else one day. It truly is a lifesaver!
9. Empathizing with him – We fall in this trap very easily with narcissists. After all, the reason they chose us is for our ability to empathize…something they are not capable of doing themselves. However, they will make sure to give us an elaborate story about how they need rescuing. This was used on me over and over in our relationship, so of course it was a tactic that was tried during no contact. Even near the end, I was still paying for his therapy because he just “couldn’t feel anything anymore”. He had cheated on me and kept rubbing her in my face, yet I paid for his therapy? What was I thinking? It’s amazing how irrational we can be when living through years of emotional abuse.
10. Defending yourself – Although I felt I needed to do this constantly, luckily I’m a private person who doesn’t feel the need to confront people. Dee would spend hours talking to the ladies at the office, our daughter’s counselor, parents of kids in our daughters class, our neighbors and past friends about the crazy things I did to him. He would even spend each visitation telling our daughter what awful things I did to him (most complete lies). I knew this because each night at pickup, she would either be mad at me or tell me about the awful things her dad had told her and others about me. I’m sure she ‘protected’ me from a lot of the things he said about me. At times, I felt the need to defend myself to her…but learned pretty quick that it’s best to let my actions speak louder than words.

If you are going through no contact or are thinking of trying no contact, I’m sure you know by now that it is not easy. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes, and we aren’t dealing with the average person here. This is a MASTER manipulator who has spent a long time ‘studying’ you and all your weaknesses. They know how to lure you in and will most definitely try to hoover you right back into the relationship. Your strength is very offensive to them…and they will do everything in their power to knock you down. PLEASE…stay strong…don’t let them defeat you.