How I Discovered I was Dealing with a Narcissist

Let me start off by saying that I am NOT a psychiatrist. I recently ended a long term relationship with a man who had me struggling to navigate through a fog of confusion since the moment I met him. What I thought was reality, was in fact all lies.

I found that the best thing I could do to heal from the experience is learn as much as I can about what I had gone through. In the beginning, all that I knew is that there was something not right with the way this man related to others. As I poured over internet articles and books about psychological disorders, I discovered that the way my ex responded and interacted with others matched an exact pattern! The more I read, the more I realized that I was dealing with a narcissist.

Most of the articles I read warned that those of us without a degree in psychology should never try to diagnose someone as having a personality disorder. However, these same articles would later admit that narcissists rarely seek treatment. Since they perceive themselves as better than everyone else and only ‘crazy people’ seek psychiatric treatment, you will not find them in front of a counselor unless forced to do so. Even then, they will likely lie their way through each session, fooling many psychiatrists into believing that there is nothing at all wrong with them. With a beaten down, submissive partner in the counseling session next to them, it would be very unlikely for even the best trained therapists to determine that the chameleon before them was a narcissist.

I experienced this first hand during the end of my relationship. My husband would amp up the charm in each session, giving me little time to speak. It’s almost as though he rehearsed for hours before each session. He would reveal the most vulnerable and embarrassing weaknesses of mine, using trigger words to get me to react and look like the crazy one while he sat calmly back faking his surprise at my reaction. While I was there for discovery and to better myself and our relationship, he used the sessions to prove how normal and sane he is and how insane and impossible to live with I am. I discovered much later that this is typical behavior for a narcissist.

Only after minimizing my exposure to him and his games, was I finally able to start recognizing the patterns in his behavior. I spent time reading checklists with titles like “how do you know you are in a relationship with a narcissist”. I was amazed that each point would match his behavior exactly. With each red check mark describing his behavior, I would feel a sense of relief that I finally had a name for what I was experiencing. Other emotions flooded through my mind the more I discovered, and still do to this day on occasion. I would be angry at this monster for treating me this way and angry at myself for being such a fool. I would be sad for all the time I lost and what this has done to our daughter. Guilt, disgust, fear and 50 other emotions flooded my mind in the beginning of my path to discovery. These were all feelings that I later found out the narcissist is not capable of feeling.

As I entered my path to discovery, I did not limit my search to narcissism. In the beginning, all I knew was that something was just not right. I read articles and books on everything from bipolar personality disorder to schizophrenia. Although some share similar behaviors, it was clear to me that what I was dealing with was 100% narcissist. Knowing this helped me better understand the ‘why’ I had been asking myself for years. It helped me see that I cannot relate or rationalize his behavior, and that I am not crazy or damaged. Later, I even learned that I was targeted for my strengths and good qualities…qualities that he deeply longs to have but will never possess. Possessing me and tearing me down was all he had, and that’s something I was able to take back from him. I know that there are very good therapists out there who can help people on this journey of healing. Trusting and loving family and friends are also vital when stepping out of the fog and into to a narcissist free world. Personally, the best medicine for me has been (and always will be) my relationship with my Father in Heaven. He has saved me in countless ways and continues to walk by my side, pointing me in the right direction and protecting me from destruction.

Even if the unusual relationship that you are wrapped up in is not with a narcissist, I encourage you to take time to better understand your feelings and pay attention to that nagging feeling that ‘something just isn’t right with this person’. Keeping us in a fog is exactly what some emotional predators want to keep us from waking up and gaining back control.