Feels Like Stalking
It was early October 2017 when my sister came to stay with me for a week and reclaim my house. After the ‘big confrontation’ when he went to stay at his mother’s, he left most of his things at the house. I let him convince me that it was the least disruptive for Amber while we worked on things. He was coming in and out as he pleased for about another month, until one evening when he left, Amber told me how he had the girls over and they had been in my room playing. That was it for me and it was time to remove him and his things once and for all. About that same time, he had thrown his ring at me and stormed out of counseling when I challenged his statements. Not long after, I was served with divorce papers. It was an ugly time, but he had finally set on a date for him to come get his things and leave once and for all. My sister was my rock during this time, and decided to spend a week with Amber and I to help us with this transition. Just before he moved his things out, he dropped by to declare that his lawyer told him that he had a right to the house too, so he was not going to move out. When I asked him how that would work, he was a little fuzzy and seemed to waver on if he even wanted to move back. I said that he had already agreed to leave so we are going to stick with that. He came to get all of his stuff one day while I was at work and Amber was at school. My sister was at my place to make sure everything went smoothly. I’m eternally grateful to my sister for what she did for us that week! Not only did she keep us safe, she installed a camera in the front of the house, changed the locks and organized our home after he had taken his things. With her help, I picked out new furniture, and she was there to set it up before she left. She helped detoxify my home after he left. It felt so much more peaceful!
Even while she was there, he visited the neighborhood on a regular basis. Lucky for me, the woman he cheated on me with lived at the end of my street. Jane had no problem inviting him over to watch her daughters and I think she gave him access to her home to feed her animals while she was away. This was his excuse for always being around, but I suspect it was more than that. Jane’s daughter Sami went to Amber’s school, so it was easy for Dee to volunteer to pick Sami up and walk her home. When he no longer had access to our home, he would walk Amber right past her own home to hang out at Sami’s until it was time to meet me after work. Jane had split custody of Sami, so Sami’s dad would take her every other week. We had agreed that he would pick Amber up from school twice a week, but he was in our neighborhood many more times than that. He would text to say he’s over “feeding the cats” and would want me to send Amber down to see the cat. Or he’d drive by and say nothing. Once, our neighbor said they even sawing him walking outside our neighborhood, on the other side of the fence from our back yards. Frankly, it was kinda scary. You never knew when he would just appear. We could be going to the pool or walking with our neighbor, and there he’d be. Besides helping Jane out with pets and repairs, he marketed himself to other neighbors as an affordable painter, giving him more excuses to be just down the road.
These visits weren’t just in the day either. On more than one occasion, we’d see his van parked by the pool late at night or in the early morning. He would even do drive buys or stay and park. For a long time I wondered if I was just seeing things, or maybe he stopped by someone’s house then left real quick. That was until Amber shared one day what she was going through during that time. She told me that after school, he would pick her up and they would circle the neighborhood. He said her dad would call Jane offering to stop by so “the girls can play”. Jane would say she wasn’t home, but they would still drive by her house and wait outside. I got chills when I heard this! This was during a time that Amber’s anxiety was really high, and it’s clear to see why. They had to drive around or park somewhere in his car for hours after he picked her up from school. He would insist that he just drop Amber off at the house, but I held firm on this. Unfortunately, it meant that he would deliberately arrive late for drop offs, making Amber’s anxiety even higher.
Honestly, I didn’t feel safe with him coming to the house anymore. When he was allowed to drop her off at the house, he would come early and snoop in the window or start a fight with Amber or me in the driveway. Add to that the ‘excuse’ to come back to the neighborhood, to continue the ‘good dad’ facade with our neighbors, and his need for complete control.
I got used to waiting for a long time after work in a public parking lot, wondering when he’d arrive this time. Sometimes, he’s get there early and make Amber wait in the car, telling her what an awful person I am for making her wait like this. He would yell at her for watching the clock or saying she had to use the restroom. On nights Jane allowed them to come over for a visit after school, he’d just not show up for drop off. When I’d ask where they were, he’d say she’s playing or eating and would be late. If Amber started to much complaining to want to get home, he’d yell at her then eventually drop her off to me. Amber would always tell me this, sometimes being vague to avoid hurting me.
If you were in the room when he spoke to anyone (mom, Jane, his lawyer, Amber’s counselor, or even a stranger at the supermarket), you’d hear a story about how controlling his X is (that’s me). I insisted things go ‘my way’ by meeting at a public parking lot, even though “Amber wants to just go home”. You may have even seen him mention this in his testimony to the judge. I was falsely accused of doing what he actually was doing. A clear example of narcissist projection.
Today, I sit in the same neighborhood. With his romantic interest shifted away from Jane and a jealous new woman in his life, we can now live in peace in our home…inside and out. It’s a gift I will never again take for granted!!!!