Cutting Social Media Ties
Sometimes I can’t believe how long it takes to heal from the emotional abuse a person puts you through. I get frustrated with myself, thinking “Why is this still bothering me so much!” Nearly every article I read about emotional abuse stresses the importance of distance for healing. Master manipulators are so good at what they do, that the only way to see clearly again is to stop all contact.
At the beginning of this year, I decided it was important to cut all social media ties with my X. This meant taking the bold step of reaching out to 8 people who were still shared friends with him on Facebook. For some, this is no big deal. I mean, they knew us both so who am I to make them choose between us? Perhaps it was his condescending voice I still heard in my head telling me that I was “to sensitive” or “controlling”, or it could be that I prefer to keep my life private or that I was still even afraid of the backlash me or my daughter would receive once news got back to my ex. If they had remained “friends” with him, watching his posts and following his social triumphs, how could I go to these same people and ask them to ‘unfriend’ him?
Many of these ‘shared contacts’ were in the dark about my ex. I became so good at minimizing his abusive behavior and shifting the blame onto myself, that these people had no idea that he is in fact a dangerous social predator. Even though I naively believed all the lies he told me, there’s no denying that he was very skilled at socially stalking people, and had likely done it to me and others for years. Social media and the internet give him all the information needed to easily manipulate people. It wasn’t until things were falling apart did I realize just how much information he had gathered on me and his new target electronically. I used to marvel at how much time he’d spend in front of a computer….then staring at his phone as technology changed.
Every time I started to convince myself that he remained connected to my friends and family on social media with good intentions, I would recall the time he hacked into my email or cellphone to spy, or when I caught him spending hours a day socially stalking his new target (what he called ‘just a friend’). He’d even staged “loving dad” photos on his Facebook page during the split that he printed for his lawyer to present as ‘evidence’ during our first custody date with the judge. This one I recall the most when I try to fool myself in believing his online innocence.
Knowing that it was the right step to make, it still took me days to muster up the courage to reach out to all 8 people in a Facebook message but decided that December 30th would be the day. Here is what I wrote:
“This is a difficult message for me to write because I would rather keep things private, but it is something I need to do. You may be aware that X and I are divorced but are probably not aware of the manipulation and emotional games he played with D and myself, particularly near the end. If he reached out to you, he would’ve likely told you a story about me being at fault. I have seen X use social media to belittle me, elevate himself, and even obsessively follow those he is interested in.”
“Rather then causing more drama, I thought that I would just sit back quietly and let people have their own opinions. However, I feel I owe you an explanation for what I plan to do. I’ve decided to cut all social media ties with X beginning in 2020. This means if you are Facebook friends with him, I cannot remain connected to you on Facebook. It may sound extreme to unfriend people but I hope you understand I want to remain friends…I just can’t expose myself any longer to X and his games. I know he will still bad mouth me and belittle me. However, I will know that I have done everything I can to disconnect from him and leave him in my past. I hope you understand that if you choose to remain Facebook friends with him instead, that I’m not angry about your decision. I wish you the best and hope our paths will cross again one day.”
After gaining the courage to send this message to all 8 people, only 1 did not ‘unfriend’ him by January 1st. Two or three responded personally to make sure I’m ok and others just read the message and unfriended him. The 1 person who did not unfriend him had already been liking many of his new bragging, outrageous texts. She had been a work friend of mine who tried to stay in contact with both of us. I remember speaking to her on the phone during the separation, yet she was still on his page often applauding his new life. So I feel I am better off unfriending this person and never visiting his social media site again.
I will admit that it’s tempting to stroll over to his page to see what ridiculous claims he is making now. However, I know this isn’t healthy and I’m better off imagining that he doesn’t exist in Facebook world. So far, I’m doing ok with that. 🙂