Fast Forward
It has been over a year since I have posted. With COVID shaking up everything, I decided opening old wounds wasn’t a good idea for awhile. As the year has gone on, I’ve noticed I am getting much better at relaxing and letting myself heal. And so has Amber! In the past year, she has been continuing to visit Dee’s mom. It was every Friday for awhile for a couple of hours, but has shifted to every other Friday for the last 6 months or more. Once, she went a full month without a visit because she wasn’t feeling well.
After the shutdown, Dee’s mom had offered to pick Amber up from our house after school, then I could pick her up at 6:30 after work. Although I’m still not completely comfortable having her in my house, it prevents me from having to take time off of work to drop her off. For quite some time, Dee’s mom would pick Amber up and take her to McDonald’s to eat. They would then go back to her place to watch TV until I arrive. Dee would sometimes show up for an hour or less to say ‘hi’. I think I may have seen him only a couple of times since the beginning of lock down, which I am convinced has contributed greatly to my healing! If he does stop by for a visit, he now leaves before I arrive. I can’t be sure, but I suspect he only drops by when he needs money. His mom has a way of using Amber as a connection with her son, but that really hasn’t been working lately. Amber has only seen her dad twice this year.
The last time she saw him was almost two weeks ago now. Amber had been given money for Christmas from Dee and his mom. Dee’s mom encouraged Amber to, “buy something for your Dad” with the money. She told me that she really didn’t want to but felt obligated. So, while at the airport on our way home from Christmas vacation, she bought him a hat. She had forgotten to bring it the first time she saw him this year, but her grandma reminded her as they left for her house on her last visit. On the ride home, Amber blurts out “I’m done with my dad.” She goes on to say that she gave her dad the hat. When her grandma asked them to stand together so she could take a picture, Dee says, “You can have a picture but I better not see it posted on Facebook! Mary doesn’t know I come over here and I don’t want her to find out.” Wow! So Amber hears that her dad has been lying to his wife about having a relationship with his daughter. She goes on to tell me, “He wasn’t even grateful for the hat! He said he’d wear it golfing if he ever goes again. So he’s not even going to wear it and has to hide it from Mary. I’m done with him. I don’t ever want to see him again!” She wasn’t anxious or sad when she told me these things like she used to be. Sadly, she has come to expect a certain behavior from him.
I recognized just how much Amber has grown up when we talked for almost an hour two nights ago. We had multiple topics, but what she had gone through surfaced during the conversation. She will sometimes remember a situation or place from the time when we separated and he had moved in with his girlfriend. She recognized that she wasn’t hungry before bed and didn’t feel like she needed a snack. Before the split, Amber would have a snack while I read to her, then he or I would tuck her into bed for the night. After the split, her dad would sometimes have her overnight for the weekend. When he moved in with his girlfriend, Amber had been left on her own, which was particularly hard at bedtime. The pattern she knew of her dad showing her affection before bed was not only missing, he would make it worse by sending her off to bed alone and afraid in a strange place with an empty stomach because she refused to eat the dinner that was served to her that night. It was a tough time for her, and she admitted to me during our talk, “For a long time, I would have a snack even if I wasn’t hungry…to make up for that time.” When she told me about her experiences, I told her that I felt bad for her. I went on to say that I was blessed to have 2 parents who loved each other and their children, so I couldn’t imagine how hard it would be for her. Then she said something so mature, it still makes me marvel at how (at her age) she can even express this…let alone think it! She said, “I’m actually very blessed to spend the first 9 years of my life with both parents. I mean, even if he was pretending, he was there and did things with us as a family. When I was really little and needed both parents, I had them. I’m very lucky!” To be able to see that despite how difficult things have been, it wasn’t always that way….and it isn’t now…that is genuine healing!
It hasn’t been an easy year since my last post, but that had very little to do with the problems we faced in the past. Covid shutdown, virtual school, sickness and pre-teen ‘fun’ were the challenges this time…not a narcissist demanding control. Having little to no contact really is the BEST and FASTEST way to heal from past emotional trauma. I can’t say I’m 100% recovered, but have seen myself and Amber come a VERY long way in the past year! Thank you God!!!