Email Communication

During our separation but before we had an official parenting plan, I did not have a legal document or ‘safe’ method of communicating with Dee. Email and text were often used to navigate daily pick up and drop off from school each week. Because Dee was in a position to make life as difficult as possible for Amber and myself, you can imagine that schedule changes were very common. As I experienced my daughter’s panic attacks and physical symptoms from extreme anxiety, I decided I had to do something. I sent an email that was somewhat forceful, yet with the sincere intention of helping Amber. If you’ve ever dealt with a narcissist, you know that challenging them is the last thing you should do. However, I was at wits end and felt I needed to at least try to make things better for Amber. Here is a sample email from this time to show you how difficult it can be co-parenting with a narcissist:

On Apr 6, 2018, at 7:08 AM,Liv wrote: > > The changes made to drop off and pick up have been way out of hand for awhile now and this week has been no exception. I will say again…Amber needs consistency in her life to get through this. All kids do better working from a known schedule, but especially those like Amber who are sensitive to sudden changes. > > This week you have changed or attempted to change the location, been late for drop off, taken her to a job site after school while you worked, and not committed to dates until later in the week, and then forgotten what was agreed to by sending a late message Thursday night that you can’t pick her up Friday (this was already planned for in our email earlier in the week). This has got to stop. You are not only making it difficult for me to work around your last minute changes but more importantly, you are causing extreme stress on Amber. > > By Sunday evening of every week, we owe it to Amber to let her know what her week looks like so she can mentally prepare and be confident that we both follow through with our commitments. If you think your plans might change some days then you either 1) work your schedule to honor your commitment to Amber or 2) we will schedule her to go to after school and you can see her again on the days you know that work will not interfere. Amber is staring to like after school and even told me last night that she would have rather gone to after school than go to your job site. > > Amber gets sick with worry whenever the schedule is changed and can’t get used to a pattern of visitation when it is constantly changing or you are late for drop off. The best, most responsible thing we can do for Amber is to have a weekly agreed upon schedule. The next best thing is have a schedule we can agree to for the week by no later than Sunday (meaning all future week details have been planned for BEFORE Sunday when we tell Amber what her week will look like. > > Thanks, > > Liv

Here was the response I received (with my added comments in [brackets])

On Fri, Apr 6, 2018, 9:06 AM Dee wrote: What amber really needs most is for her mother to stop with the constant psych analysis. Diagnosis and treatment [insult 1] . You have managed to destroy a beautiful child. [insult 2] She isn’t able to just be a 9 year old child Your “programming” has her so messed up she’s not able to relax and have fun [insult 3] . at school she just keeps to herself. Yesterday she was with me as you pointed out but failed to mention she was at a friends house Sandras where there is 2 girls she can play with [bent truth-girls were there but Amber said one is 2 years old and the other would not play because they are not friends. Instead she sat alone and watched her dad work] . But you don’t want to include that information because it won’t help forward your agenda [insult 4] . You also need to realize that you are not in control. You are such a control freak you threw away you family to maintain your dominance of the household. [insult 5 and projecting] All I did was act the same as you and I was accused of all kinds of things that aren’t true. [lie-accusation was of cheating, which I caught him doing] You truly are the shiftiest human being I have ever known [insult 6] . You have serious mental issues and need help [insult 7 and gaslighting] . I only pray that you stop fucking with Amber’s head. [insult 8 and acting as though he worships God and has the child’s best interest in mind] The mind of a child is not a toy for you to play with. [blame shifting and projecting] And I will be dropping Amber off at her home from now on [punishment for challenging him]

I probably should’ve left it alone and not responded, but the last comment most definitely needed a response. At this point, I hadn’t learned to stick to the facts only during communication, which cost me further drama. Here was my response:

On Apr 6, 2018, at 9:11 PM, Liv wrote: Amber comes to me to help her because she says “dad won’t listen. He will just get mad at me.” I’m trying to help her have a voice and stand up for what she needs from you. I will again go back to the point I’ve tried to get across to you repeatedly… Amber needs a consistent schedule to feel comfortable. Her own counselor and our counselor both agreed on this point, the parenting class highlighted this and the court guidelines as well. This is not coming from me, but as I have repeatedly seen Amber’s reaction to your constant changes and inconsistencies, I see why all have given this advise. I’ve been very flexible on the days you pick her up each week letting you decide day by day when you feel like picking up Amber, but it is just to much for Amber. She’s confused, upset and worried each time you change the normal schedule. She cries, tells me “I can’t do this anymore” and has even made up excuses to you to get out of seeing you. It’s been to much for her to handle so I’m stepping up and supporting her need for normalcy. If you won’t decide by Sunday when you can commit to picking her up, then she can go to after school and I will pick her up. Just as school and most of society runs on a schedule, we owe it to Amber to do the same. We will meet at Wal-Mart at 6pm as we have done nearly every evening after school since you moved out.

It’s no surprise that this ignited further rage. Here was his response (with my added comments in [brackets])

First off stop with the bull shit I don’t pick Amber up when I feel like it. [cussing me out] Like the rest of society I have to work. [copying my words and giving them his own meaning] My work schedule dictates when I pick Amber up [lie – he works for himself and makes his own hours] . Not when I feel like it. And you have been forcing me to meet at Walmart [I was advised by my counselor and lawyer that picking a safe, public place for drop offs were best after he would show up at the house unannounced or would be spotted at late hours driving or walking in the neighborhood] . Last time I said I’ll drop her off at home you refused go home. [He decided he’d change the drop off location last minute and I remained firm with our original location which wasn’t at home] Amber get so upset at this. [lie] She said to me dad this isn’t fair to me. How come I have to go out of the way to meet mom why can’t I just go home. [lie-she has been embarrased by him acting out in the neighborhood and told me that she prefers drop off at Wallmart] You are not being considerate of Amber’s. all you care about is your agenda is met No mater the consequences to others [projecting] . I also know you have changed therapists for amber. You have never told me this even though the courts clearly state that the other parent is supposed to be informed of these kinds of things. [deflecting to other topics. Amber was not being helped and indicated that her dad was using the sessions to make himself look good and her like the enemy. I decided to try a new therapist without him to see if this helped Amber’s anxiety ] Guess the rules still don’t apply to you for some reason. [insult] As for this weeks schedule I am working all day Monday so Shelby will have after school . Tuesday I’m working a half day so I can pick Shelby up Wednesday I’m finishing Sandras parents house. Last week I told Amber I would be working at Sandras and she can go there after school or go to after school . She chose to go with me to Sandras [lie– She told me she wanted to go to afterschool instead] . I’m going to let her decide again for Wednesday. And Thursday I will pick her up. Friday I’m working so I can’t pick her up. So Tuesday and Thursday I’m picking up Amber Wednesday is up to her Sandras or after school.

Since I finally got a schedule for the next week (interlaced with lots of insults and accusations), I decided to stop the communication there.