Protection
Today I watched a video of a woman bravely telling her story of survival. She had been married for 20 years to a functioning alcoholic. As he remained the ‘life of the party’, buying alcohol before paying the electric bill and blaming her for everything wrong in his life, she worked three jobs and did all she could to keep her and her 3 daughters safe. As she told her story, I found eerie similarities between what she went through and what I had experienced. As I tried to control my emotions by telling myself, “We are not the same. Her situation is different.”….she began to speak of the impact on her daughters. The tears began running down my cheeks as I felt the ache a mother feels when her family is being dominated by an emotional manipulator. After saying that they still struggle with the experience today, she added, “My daughter once told me how grateful she was that I was able to protect her from most of the damage.” She then added, “that was the best compliment I have ever been given.”
For the past few weeks, Amber has been sharing memories from the old days and even shared one today. We were driving by a pier and feeling spontaneous, I asked if she wanted to stop. She agreed and as we walked up the trail to the path, she said, “I remember this place! This is where I got attacked by fire ants!” I said, “Yes, that’s right. You were pretending to be a dog and walking on your hands and knees so they really got you good.” As she replayed the memory in her head, she shared, “Yeah and dad didn’t even care that I was hurt. Instead he yelled at me and said it was my own fault for getting on the ground like that.” She has been sharing memories like this with me a lot lately. I support her by saying things like, “it wasn’t nice of him” or “you did nothing wrong.” I hope she hears this and is starting to put the pieces together.
It’s amazing how conditioned you get to justifying bad behavior when you are in a relationship with a manipulator. Some things will remain fuzzy but when I stop to think back now, a lot will come into focus. Back then I may not have seen what was going on to me, but I was very protective of my daughter, doing my best to ensure she did not feel neglected or abandoned each time he would give us the silent treatment and leave to do his own thing. I was conditioned to give him his freedom and not to be upset if he decided he wanted to stay out all night on the weekend. I could come too of course, if I didn’t have the child to care for. Part of me felt relief when he left Amber and I alone, knowing his drama was leaving the house with him. Attention did not need to center around him when he was gone, which was a breath of fresh air. He could’ve been doing drugs or flirting with other women (or more), and I never would have questioned it. Instead, I’d have a dance party in the living room with Amber or we’d play pretend, go see a movie or do something in nature. Of course, if the event was something he could brag to others about later, he would insist on joining. Having him go to a museum or park with us was usually ok though. He was out in the public playing the part of an ‘attentive father’, so we could all enjoy ourselves. Of course, if attention diverted from him to Amber (like during the fire ants incident), his true colors would show and the sweet memory would turn sour.
I always felt so much guilt and a little jealousy for having to work. It’s a common guilt of working women, but I had the added anxiety of knowing that when I wasn’t there, Amber was not ‘protected’ from her dad. I don’t think I will ever really know everything that happened from the time he picked her up after school until the moment I arrived home from work. Although it was only a few hours, I was brought into the middle of many arguments. There was also the ‘drive home’ call. He insisted that I call him as soon as I got off of work each night. This habit started when she was a baby. When I went back to work after leave, I missed her terribly and couldn’t wait to hear all about the day and what happened. As she entered preschool and then school, the conversations turned from what she was doing to what he was doing, often with complaints about how “everyone’s an asshole” or how he just can’t catch a break. Some of the complaints were about Amber. He disguised the conversations as ‘parenting talks’ to ‘get on the same page’ or seek advice on what to do next. He knew that once I arrived home, Amber would run to me as if I were rescuing her and tell me everything that was on her mind. On several occasions, he would start out by saying, “I just want to tell you my side of the story before you get home and hear a bunch of lies from her.” Then and now…I still hear her out. I know she doesn’t always tell the truth…but I also know now that he almost NEVER told the truth. I’m just glad that I was able to give her a voice, even if I didn’t always make the right choice when dealing with every situation.
It’s clear from the memories that Amber is sharing with me that she is still processing what she went through. So am I. I can only hope that one day, when she’s grown, she realizes that I was in a fog but still tried to do everything in my power to keep her from harm.